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Tales of Monkey Island Chapter 5: Rise of the Pirate God

mi105_boatmanGenre : Adventure
Developer: Telltale Games
Players: 1
Retail Price: $9, or $35 (as part of Tales of Monkey Island)
Availability: PC, WiiWare

B+


Rise of the Pirate God starts in the uncomfortable position of having its protagonist be, uh, dead. It was pretty easy to guess where the episode would go: you need to get un-dead so that you could rescue your wife from the once-again-evil LeChuck. That’s a pretty accurate synopsis of the start of the game, though it leaves out a few plot related bits of interest.

I was wondering how they would handle Guybrush’s death: it was a pretty shocking end to Chapter 4, even though the title was ‘The Trial and Execution of Guybrush Threepwood‘ (after all, how much besieging was there in The Siege of Spinner Cay?). On the one hand, having a semi-serious take on the ‘oh crap my wife is fighting my arch nemesis, who just killed me’ situation would be good, but on the other… this is Monkey Island, man. I don’t think that serious would really fit in well. The very start of the episode is a short recap of the previous events and then you’re back in it, working to free yourself from The Crossroads, and so overall I think it was done well.

While last episode had longer puzzles, Rise of the Pirate God’s are shorter but in greater abundance. This meant that I was always accomplishing something, and not having too hard a time of it, leaving room for more things to happen. Also, in many cases, what seems to be a straightforward task like ‘find your physical body and reinhabit it’ has a few more steps that crop up as you go. There’s also a variation on insult swordfighting, which is good if you like telling people they fight like a cow (and if you don’t, what’s wrong with you?)

Ghostly Guybrush looks nifty, with see-through ribs

Ghostly Guybrush looks nifty, with see-through ribs

It’s hard to discuss a game as plot-heavy as Episode 5 without divulging things that would detract from your enjoyment were they spoiled, but speaking broadly I enjoyed the story as it unfolded but could have guessed most of the story with no problem. Anemone the Vaycaylian is back (and has, evidently, been shacking up with the cartophilic Winslow), as are a few other characters, but by this point I’ve gotten a little sick of the prefabricated character design: I couldn’t tell if I was supposed to have met a person before, or in which chapter they had been in, because quite a few people fell into the category of ’stubby fat guy’ or ‘tall, elongated face guy.’ That’s not to say everyone is like this, or that there aren’t any new characters, but with each episode it’s become more apparent.

The ending puzzle is a time sensitive loop, with the showdown with LeChuck you’re expecting taking the form of Guybrush getting the tar beaten out of him until you can figure out what to do, when and in what sequence to do it. It was annoying at first, since I’d be trying to figure out what to do when LeChuck would come make up my mind for me and decide that what I wanted was to be punched across the ship. In the end I think it was maybe a bit long but on the whole a good experience, though the ending was a little anticlimatic (and if anyone thinks things will be staying as they are in a hypothetical season two you’re either naive or an idiot).

Now that Tales of Monkey Island season one has wrapped up, I can say: damn. That was fun. Telltale’s maturing and becoming masters of what they do, and this is by far the best series of theirs I’ve played so far. The title of this episode gave me some expectations that weren’t quite met, Pirate God-wise, and it wasn’t perfect, but ‘not perfect’ does not preclude ‘enjoyable’ and I hope that, after the next Sam and Max season, Guybrush gets more time in the spotlight.

Rise of the Pirate God screens, catch-up video

When I finished Tales of Monkey Island Chapter 4, I immediately thought ‘Oh. Crap. I want to see what happens next.’ I won’t get that until next Tuesday, but until then Telltale’s provided us with three screenshots and a ’story so far’ video if you’ve fallen behind and aren’t quite as excited as you should be.

Red Dead Redemption: My Name is John Marston

Not… not my name. His name. The guy from Red De- you know what, have a trailer:

If that tickles your fancy, the ‘open world western adventure’ (which gets points for originality if nothing else) has been given a release date of April 27.

Holy crap, what? Extra Guy?

That’s right, ladies and gents. After a year and a half of rocking the Gaming Shenanigans name, we’ve decided to move to the decidedly more tongue-friendly Extra Guy.

What does this mean? Nothing, really. All of the old GS links will redirect to their new, shiny, Extra counterparts. The Shenanicast, currently on hiatus, will return in 2010 as Gaming Shenanigans (keeping the faith) and be extra awesome.

See? Now we can add ‘extra’ to anything we want and it fits. This is gonna be the Pax Romana for puns.

Modern Warfare 2

1112856-modern_warfare_2_coverGenre: FPS
Developer: Infinity Ward
Publisher: Activision
Players: 1-18
Retail Price: $60
Availability: PC, Xbox 360, PC

A


The problem that a game like Modern Warfare 2 has is that it’s the sequel to Call of Duty 4, a game so insanely popular that it never actually stopped being played (and is still more popular on Xbox Live than anything but its own sequel). As such, there are some things that make it a Modern Warfare game, and Infinity Ward can’t change them lest the game bear little resemblance to its predecessor. Despite this, it has to innovate or else the verdict could be ’save your money and keep playing the original.’ Beyond the pool of money they no doubt have in their office to swim around in, Scrooge McDuck style, I don’t envy Infinity Ward.

I think they took their overwhelming popularity a little too much for granted at times during the campaign, though. As it starts you’re given short clips of the events that occurred during the first game, but these are really meant to evoke the memories you had while playing it — oh man, the end part with the pistol! etc — than to fill in a newcomer, because there’s no context or explanation for any of it. I vaguely remember what happened, but not enough to actually understand most of the motivations in the game. Many of the characters have returned, though, so if you were a fan then you’ll get some service now.

By now, you’ve probably heard of That Part, so I’ll avoid discussing it now. It’s obvious in many places that a list was made of things about CoD4 with a corresponding column next to it for how to one-up that in MW2. This was particularly evident at the end of the game, and shouldn’t be taken as a bad thing, necessarily, but the campaign is very consciously full of ‘holy crap’ moments. Some of the time I think that really works: finally, a high profile game brings the destruction of war to our soil. Other times, though, it felt a little forced. The gameplay was always fun, though, and there were more than enough memorable scenes (with one of my favorite being sneaking through an airfield with a sniper rifle, towards the end of the game).

Vroom vroom!

Vroom vroom!

The ending left me confused and annoyed, however. I won’t get into details, but I simply don’t understand the motivations behind the big twist, unless the villain is using a tired stereotype that I simply refuse to believe is the case. I was properly shocked by the reveal, but the explanation for why never came. That or I’m dumb, which is also a distinct possibility.

Okay, okay, the story, whatever. Multiplayer is where it’s at, you say. Special Ops is a new cooperative mode that gives mini-missions, loosely related to events in the campaign, for you to complete with a friend. I say ‘with a friend’ here very deliberately, because there’s no matchmaking: you can go through it solo, locally or with someone on your friend list. Most of my friends press X to reload, not square, so I was wishing for matchmaking quite frequently. The mode is a nice break from traditional multiplayer with a very arcade-like setup, so assuming you’re more extroverted than I am you should have a good time with the missions.

I hadn’t played too much CoD4 multiplayer, so I was familiar with the principles but not intimately so. The basics are still there: unlockable weapons, kill streaks, customizable classes and so on. Improvements have been made all around, though, with the most notable to me being the death streak. Modern Warfare matches are very laden with positive reinforcement: the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, thanks to benefits like attack helicopters and predator missiles. Death streaks change that a bit, helping out someone getting owned in a match with a little pick-me-up. The small bit of extra health I chose when I died three times in a row without a kill really only served to remind me how much I was sucking now that the people who weren’t high had woken up and logged in. (A small aside: what the hell is with the marijuana-focused Title options?)

I love the heartbeat sensor

I love the heartbeat sensor

Generally speaking, you upgrade what you use: I stuck with the FAMAS for the most part, and by switching out the attachments I unlocked I was able to get a steady stream of challenges completed and new stuff to play with. It’s a way to let you choose what you want to focus on while still rewarding trying new things: once I realized I could unlock the FAMAS shotgun by getting 20 kills with the grenade launcher attachment I began, with varying degrees of success, to try to clear out corners before I walked around them. Kill streaks can be unlocked however you’d like, but you can only choose three to bring into a match, so as awesome as the 25 kill Tactical Nuke would have been, I acknowledged my limitations and capped myself at the 7 kill Harrier Strike.

You’ll have to excuse the abundance of references to Call of Duty 4, but with a game like this it’s inevitable. Luckily, I think that in this case Infinity Ward hit the nail on the head, providing more of what worked with a dollop of improvements on top. I’ve seen complaints that the game isn’t competitive enough — ‘Modern Casual 2′ omg lol that’s clever dued — but I’m not the guy to comment on that, being a nighttime player looking to have a good time rather than a hyperserious competitor. Both are fine ways to play the game, and I guess time will tell if the multiplayer is good enough, but I say say with conviction that I, at least, had a good time.

Tales of Monkey Island Chapter 4: The Trial and Execution of Guybrush Threepwood

Guybrush_on_TrialGenre : Adventure
Developer: Telltale Games
Players: 1
Retail Price: $9, or $35 (as part of Tales of Monkey Island)
Availability: PC, WiiWare

B+


My favorite Star Wars movie is The Empire Strikes Back. At first I thought this was because, as Dante puts it in Clerks, ‘It ends on such a down note.’ That was during my pessimistic teenage years, though, and so I’ve since realized that the ending represents Gustav Freytag’s climax, the moment when there’s no turning back and things will never be the same.

How does this relate to Monkey Island? Well, beat the last puzzle.

The tone of the whole chapter is different. That’s not to say it’s not funny, or is overly grim, though there is one part in the middle that caught me off guard. The puzzles deviate from Telltale’s almost-annoyingly-predictable three part structure: instead of needing three items to progress, or solving three sub-puzzles in a section, this chapter has two (okay, and a half) main sections with four and five subpuzzles each. I noticed that I felt almost overwhelmed when first handed the list of objectives, but they were always manageable enough. They were thankfully more difficult than in Lair of the Leviathan, and that combined with the longer series of tasks made this the longest Telltale game I’ve played to date.

Always the opportunist

Always the opportunist

Enough of the high falootin’ talk, though: the real takeaway from the chapter is that Stan is in it! I’ve only played a small amount of The Secret of Monkey Island, but it’s enough that, thankfully, I don’t have to say ‘I don’t understand why the guy’s coat has such a weird texture, or why he waves his arms around so much.’

This definitely seems like the gathering of the storms (quite literally, considering the pox cloud over Flotsam), with nearly all of the main characters from past episodes around in some form. As the title suggests, you’re on trial for all the misdeeds you’ve committed in the series so far, as well as a few you haven’t. It was interesting to see how your lying, cheating and stealing catches up to you: sure, you hoodwinked D’Oro into thinking you were giving him a Dark Ninja Dave Porcelain Power Pirate action figure, but what happened to him after you left? Poor guy. The judge of the trial, incidentally, reminded me quite a lot of the judge from The Wall, though WP Grindstump is much nicer in his day job as bartender than I imagine Pink Floyd’s is.

Tales of Monkey Island is nearly done with, at least for the first season, and so maybe I went in expecting to find grand gestures, but there were quite a few ‘oh crap’ moments, at least one of which reverberates back through the Monkey Island mythos to the start. When the final scene cut to black and teased the final chapter, Rise of the Pirate God, I checked my watch to see if it had perhaps gotten to be December 8th yet.

Rock Band answers my Tom Petty prayers

Remember when I got totally psyched about Tom Petty coming to Rock Band, and then they didn’t give me the greatest song of all time? Yeah, they just fixed that.

Next week’s Rock Band content will be a six pack live collection from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, coinciding with their latest release, The Live Anthology.

  • A Thing About You
  • American Girl
  • Even the Losers
  • Here Comes My Girl
  • Mary Jane’s Last Dance
  • Refugee

They’re all the standard 200 MS points/$2 or can be bought for 800 points/$10.

If you’re totally lame and don’t care about this supremely exciting news, there are some other tracks you can buy too:

  • Go-Go’s – “Our Lips Are Sealed”
  • Kelly Clarkson – “Miss Independent”
  • P!nk – “Who Knew”

She has an exclamation point in her name now?

WWE Smackdown vs Raw 2010

boxartGenre: Sports
Developer: Yuke’s
Publisher: THQ
Players: 1-6
Retail Price: $60
Availability: Xbox 360, PS3, PS2, Wii

B+


Smackdown games are a funny thing. They’re almost like Madden at this point: if you like them, you’ll probably want to get this year’s version, and if not then there really isn’t much they can do to make you spontaneously be interested.

Oh, wow. That was the easiest review ever.

It’s true, though: the Smackdown series is, on the whole, a known quantity. The grapple mechicanics have evolved since I last played one regularly (Smackdown 2 for the original Playstation), and tons of features have been added, but it’s still Smackdown: right stick for grapples, square or X to strike and so on. It’s a nice logical layout for moves with a cootie-catcher-like expansion of options.

But much like people don’t watch Wrestling for the sport of it, the real reason to play Smackdown isn’t the matches themselves: it’s all the other stuff you can do. This year it seems as though a group sat down and said ‘Okay, what do people do in Smackdown?’ They made a list, and then said ‘Okay, yeah, make all of those editable.’ Create a wrestler for yourself (including the option to create logos and other artwork). Then give them a custom move set. Tack on some custom finishers, including a DIY aerial finisher. Make a custom entrance for your creation, and when you’re done with that you can create an entrance video to play on the Titantron (do they still call it that?). Once you have your masterpiece completed, you can then create a storyline for them to participate in.

It’s a simple fact of nature that it will take you at least an hour or two from the time you first put in the game before you can actually play a match. That is, unless you use an existing wrestler like some kind of tool. Creating your wrestler gives a more-than-healthy number of customization options, though it’s not as easy to tweak colors, especially for hair, as I’d have liked (it gives a full RGB palette, and I’m not artsy enough to know what to do with that). Interestingly enough, I set my character to ‘Crowd boos’ but they cheered anyway; I guess I’m just that awesome. There was some clipping with layer combinations (knee pads intersecting with the top of my shorts, and heaven help you with long hair) and ‘add lettering’ starts in the center and moves right, instead of remaining centered, but if you care about these things then you’ll probably put in enough time to do it right (tweak your outfit, create a custom label instead of the generic block letters and so on).

Personally, I'd drop the purple shorts

Personally, I'd drop the purple shorts

Creating a finisher is still as fun as it’s been in years past, when Dave would let me borrow his copies. Choose an action — hold, lift, attack, etc — and then add steps that unfold based on what you’ve chosen (you can’t powerbomb from a DDT hold, but you can lift them into a suplex). You can adjust the speed of the actions, but this just speeds up or slows down the animation, meaning slowing down a drop makes you look like you’re falling through molasses when the action around you is going at the same speed. Creating aerial finishers is nice, but you only have so many options (given that there aren’t many permutations to ‘dude jumps on other dude’). You can still create something unique, though, and changing the jump arcs was a nice way to make it your own.

Coming off of the created finisher section, creating an entrance seemed lacking. The advanced editor lets you choose from their selection of options at a fixed number of stages: character comes out, character at top of ramp, character walking down ramp and so on. What if I want to spend a lot of time on the ramp, walking back and forth? I wish the options would have been like the create a finisher mode, but seeing as you watch your entrance maybe three times before turning it off it’s not too big a deal. You can still use your own music, which means that my guy came down to The Tank by The Dear Hunter, which was — let’s face it — pretty awesome (though after winning enough matches, I did eventually get sort of sick of hearing ‘Eight wheels lusting for the lives of infantry’). As a (logical) aside, if you play online your custom soundtrack won’t carry over.

I was never able to create an entrance movie to my satisfaction. You can save clips from your matches, listed in the Highlights section after it’s over or by manually doing it in the middle, but they save as the type of match and the date, ie One on One Hell in a Cell, 11/15/2009. I’d have preferred I be able to name them, so I could say ‘Finisher through the cell’ or ‘Jumping from a ladder.’ I recommend you save your aerial finishers manually, because for some reason the clips would always end right before I took off. The movie creator takes a while to load, since it’s dealing with video, and from there you can trim it down, add effects or visual overlays and change the speed. I ran into trouble trying to make my movie when it told me I could only add clips from the same match. That didn’t seem right, but given how slow and frustrating it was, and how it would hardly ever be seen, I gave up and spent my time elsewhere (the feature exists to upload the video to Youtube, though with no custom music, but I didn’t get to try it out).

Creating a story takes time as well. A lot of it. But the loads are much shorter, so the time is spent with you doing things, and as I went along I frequently laughed, told my wife how much fun I was having (she seemed unimpressed) and wished that this had been around a decade ago, so I could have put in a few hundred hours with my friends (I have many, many created characters in WWF Attitude). My masterpiece was a pregnancy scandal, with the father of Beth Phoenix’s baby unknown: it could be Triple H or Batista, at least until John Cena steps up and says it could be him too! People get hit with cars, abducted, double crossed, fired, rehired, hit with pipes and it all ends with a triple threat ladder match at Wrestlemania with a briefcase holding the papers for the Right of Paternity over the ring. Yeah.

The overview for an event

The overview for an event

I didn’t even get as in depth as I wanted to; you can edit the events of Raw, ECW, Smackdown and the Pay Per Views and I wish I would have included multiple storylines across the shows. The customizability is pretty in depth, giving you almost all the tools they had for the Road to Wrestlemania stories (mostly excluding just the voiceovers, but that’s okay because you can use text to make people swear) (god, my pubescent self is coming out right now). Camera angles can be changed and scenes cropped, so they don’t have to all look alike. Once you’re done, you can upload your creation for others to enjoy and download new scenarios to play, with all of the typos and bad grammar you’d expect.

Speaking of Road to Wrestlemania, if you want to play a ‘career’ mode, go with these and not the actual Career Mode. The latter is a series of matches with no context, useful for boosting your created person’s stats but not much else. It’s better than a Quick Match, I guess, but you don’t unlock much, unlike the Roads. In addition to the single player stories there’s a two player mode and created character story, taking you from the crowd at Raw to Intercontinental Champion. They unfold like the stories on TV, so fans of the show (or melodrama) should be pretty entertained.

Generally, games with created characters make you play the career modes to earn XP to boost their stats, but when a friend came over and we did a Quick Match I still got some points to spend, which is a great trend in games recently. If you use a created character in any local match you’ll be given a stat boost at the end, so you don’t have to trudge through single player content to get better.

I don't know when it happened, but tag matches are fun now

I don't know when it happened, but tag matches are fun now

We do eventually have to talk about the wrestling, I suppose. There are, as always, a ton of match types to choose from, but both the Royal Rumble and Table matches can end far too quickly for me. Throwing people over the top needs to be easy: I’ve played plenty of games where tossing people over seemed almost impossible, and so being able to whip an opponent into the turnbuckle, or over the ropes and then get into a Quick Time Event battle to succeed/fail was a welcome addition. That doesn’t mean it needs to be easy to complete, though: an opponent can be eliminated at any time, no matter their stamina, and so I’d generally be alone in the ring, eliminating people faster than they could come down. The same goes for a table match, which only takes a finisher to end. In both cases it seems as though there should be a check on their stamina, and if they’re healthy enough then you can’t even attempt to win.

The wrestling tends to feels like a game more than it does acting out actual WWE events. This is mostly because I can give my opponent my finisher five times or more and still not have them be down for good; this was mostly a concern in ladder matches, which I hated at first because of their length and improbability (stay the hell down, Rey Mysterio!) but eventually grew to appreciate after a drawn out match between myself and Triple H that had an epic back-and-forth aspect to it.

For some reason, McMahon really looks like Billy Crystal to me

For some reason, McMahon really looks like Billy Crystal to me

In addition to downloading wrestlers, stories and other created content, you can play online against other people. My experience with it wasn’t overly positive: many people seemed to be gaming the system, in ranked matches but waiting for their friends to join and kicking out unsuspecting though enthusiastic game reviewers. What little I was actually able to play was laggy to the extent of pointlessness, with a second or two delay leading to me getting my face bashed in repeatedly. I wasn’t able to play with a friend, though, so if you know people (who have better connections) then your experiences may be different.

The length of this review reflects how much there is to do in Smackdown vs Raw 2010. RPGs be damned, you can lose your life to this game for a few months if you want to. Creating your own stories is the single greatest advancement I can think of for a game of this genre, and I hope it’s refined in future releases. If you don’t like the Smackdown series then there’s nothing I or this game can do to change your mind, but even if you don’t like wrestling (or are, like me, a lapsed fan) you might find things to love. There are issues with some aspects of the game, but the part of me that wore nothing but Mick Foley shirts for six months* when I was 15 is totally excited right now.

* This is true.

Pre-Black Friday at Newegg

I was tipped off by the CheapAssGamer Twitter feed that Newegg is having a video game sale right now, calling it ‘Early Black Friday Deals’ which removes any meaning a Black Friday sale might have. But they have cheap games so I’m cool with it.

There are a handful of games from $10-$15, including Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard, which I’ve heard is a pretty awful game but for $10 with free shipping I bought it just to hear Neil Patrick Harris’ voice. He’s dreamy.

Clue (iPhone)

clue1Genre: Puzzle
Publisher: EA
Players: 1
Retail Price: $3
Availability: iPhone

4 stars


One day, before recording The Shenanicast, Dave told me that Clue was available on the iPhone. That seemed, frankly, like a horrible idea. Clue is a game played with other people, in the meatspace, and trying to shove a board game onto a phone to play against AI seemed, well, dumb.

Then he showed it to me, and it wasn’t Clue at all. It had the same characters (though any Plum not played by Christopher Lloyd is apocryphal to me), and many of the same weapons, but there was no board. You’re tasked with figuring out the killer, sure, but you don’t do it by talking to other players: you talk to the characters themselves.

This version of Clue is essentially a series of logic puzzles. You begin by questioning the suspects, who might drop a hint about an item (’I hear Plum was reading a magazine’) which you then search for more clues. There’s generally some re-questioning involved, as one character will tell you about an altercation with another, and confronting the latter yields more information.

They conveniently always tell the truth

They conveniently always tell the truth

This part of the game is interesting enough, I suppose, but it eventually becomes mechanical: talk to the characters. Walk to different rooms. Search items. Talk to characters again. Search more items. I stopped paying attention to the clues as I got them, because they’re all recorded for you, browsable by the character they involve. The clues themselves are ridiculous if you think about them for more than half a second: how would Peacock know the murder weapon was a blunt object? Why does a scrap of paper in the fireplace say ‘the murder happened in the north wing’? The absurdity of them at times made me laugh, like when I had narrowed down the suspects to two and Colonel Mustard gave me the clue that confirmed he did it. Good going, jackass.

The meat of the game lies in the end, when you’ve collected everything and are ready to figure out who’s going to jail. You’re a journalist, by the way, not a cop, so I’m not exactly sure why a paper is looking into the murder and not, oh I don’t know, the police. The endgame is logic, pure and simple. You have access to a map, onto which you can place the locations of characters and weapons as you deduce them, and also a list of people, places and weapons that you can check off as their innocence is determined. Some of this is easier than others: there’s bluntness like ‘Green was in the bedroom’ but also ‘White was on a computer’ and ‘White was in the east wing,’ which along with some other clues would point you to the precise room she was in (there being multiple computers in the house). If thinkin’ ain’t your thing, you probably won’t like this game.

The levels change if you replay them, so the multiple maps are really just indicators of difficulty, allowing you to choose more or less rooms, with slightly different (but irrelevant, gameplaywise) configurations. You’re awarded up to four stars, one each for correctly identifying the culprit, room and weapon and another for completing it within the specified time limit. That’s not real-world time, but instead is an internal clock that decreases as you perform actions (searching, walking and talking). There were a few that I scored lower on my first time through, mostly because I’d forget that I needed to search leafy plants or something similar, but now that I’ve perfected all the levels I don’t see why I’d play anything but the final, most difficult, one.

No, it was only one bullet for the chandelier

No, it was only one bullet for the chandelier

There are also some achievements, though their existence is hidden within the main menu. They have no bearing on the gameplay, but as I’m now a child of the 360 I had to obtain all of them, which included some negachievements like ‘get zero stars’ (harder than you’d think, or maybe I’m just psychic) and ‘run out of time.’ Minor, but if you’re not a fan you need never know they exist.

This version of Clue shares more with the old DOS game Sleuth than its board game namesake, which is why it’s worth picking up instead of avoiding like the plague. It takes the historical elements of the game and strips them down to their core, providing a Sherlock Holmes experience that was a surprisingly fun time waster. There’s some replayability in there if you’re interested, but even if you’d prefer to forget about it once you’ve had your fill there are enough missions to keep you busy for quite a few doctor’s office waits, which has become my standard unit of time. I believe there are other EA/Hasbro board games on the app store now that haven’t had this treatment, remaining true to their roots, and so I can’t feign interest in them, but this… this I like.

And because I don’t think I’ve shoehorned in enough quotes from a childhood favorite of mine: I had to stop her screaming!