Muscle March

Genre: Party
Developer: Namco Bandai
Publisher: Namco Bandai
Players: 1
Retail Price: 500 Wii Points ($5)
Availability: WiiWare

If it’s taken at face value, Muscle March might just rope you in. It’s clearly not for everyone — it’s a game that screams “OOH OOH, ME! PICK ME!” to fans of quirky japanese titles like Katamari Damacy, complete with an effeminate lisp and a flamboyant-yet-frantic wave. This initial draw is due to its charming and admittedly unique art direction. The unusual premise is unfortunately the only good thing the game has going for it. Namco Bandai has nailed the presentation, but the gameplay itself is flaccid and limp.

... and he fits in the hole perfectly.

The premise is simple enough: someone steals a jug of protein powder from a group of the muscliest and most chisled of bodybuilders. The gang is aware of this at once and takes to the streets in pursuit of the thief. In their haste they forget the world around them and make chase dressed in their gym attire. You know, the bottom half of a two-piece bathing suit. And there is comedic value in watching a conga-line of statuesque meatheads crash through walls like a Looney Toons short, barefoot all the while, but it’s unfortunately the only part of the game that had any effort put into it.

The game plays like a Wii version of Fox’s short-lived game show Hole in the Wall. The thief will lead the game’s characters around and through the levels. And by through, yes, we mean smashing through the walls. The thief’s pose will be left as an outline in the wall, and the player must match it by using the Wii remote and nunchuck. If the left arm is up and the right arm is down, that is the pose you should strike in real life. If both arms are up, reach for the sky. Once you’re within striking distance you’ll pump your arms as though you were jogging to speed up and tackle your prey. It’s a pretty simple gameplay system when one considers the poses — one you wouldn’t expect them to mess up, especially considering there are only four combinations total to pick from. But they do. Oh boy do they ever.

Your roster, complete with the token female and, um, animal character

The motion system works well enough at first. Each of the game’s three levels is comprised of three chases, two unique to the level, and a final one with Mech Muscle, the game’s shiny blue android boss. The first two chases are fun, as they work well enough within the limitations of the system. The game recognizes a smooth transition from having both arms up to having both arms down. It does not, however, smoothly transition from right-arm-up-left-arm-down to the opposite left-arm-up-right-arm-down. One of the arms goes up or down first, before the other. This additional animation makes completing the game’s faster-paced challenges toward the end nearly impossible, as you’re moving far too fast for the controls to react. Winning becomes a frustrating affair between happenstance and luck, highlighted by the game’s use of randomly generated patterns that often switch between the two poses in the game that are the most difficult to transition between.

Let’s be honest — Muscle March was never going to flex its way to the the Mr. Video Game crown. It would, at best, end up a niche title enjoyed by those with an affinity for japanese quirk, or a joke title busted out at a party for a good laugh or two. Or three, if you really get into posing. It can and probably still will be both of those things, but it also could have been all that with simple-yet-well-designed controls. Muscle March will make you laugh, but in the end it ends up as nothing more than a joke.